O, Christmas Tree

"O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging."

For the third year in a row, we've placed the GEICO snowglobe in a special place of honor.

I. Love. Christmas. Love it. I love everything about it, even Bill O’Reilley obnoxiously trying to “save Christmas.” I love all the signs of the season: tacky plastic Santas in lawns, 3-dimensional holiday sweaters (especially the ones that light up), and work Christmas parties politically correctly passed off as “Employee Appreciation and Recognition Luncheons” (or as we call them, EARLs). So imagine my excitement as I bounded to the car for our annual Christmas tree hunt. At a nearby nursery we found a charming tree with an exceptional Christmas-tree smell, superbly green branches, and a lovely shape. Sure, our tree hunt lacked the same sense of adventure that the Opp tree hunts of yore used to have, in which my brother and I would trek through muddy tree farms and Dad would cut down the tree while muttering what a piece of sh*t the farm-issued saw was (ahhh, memories), but our Hofmann-style tree hunt was still perfectly festive. This year’s tree wasn’t too big, seeing as how chez Hofmann is quite small, and the majority of it fit snugly in the trunk of the car. Once home, we rearranged the furniture, Chris got the tree set up, and I vacuumed pine needles. Lots and lots of pine needles. Then came the annual Christmas lights argument. I follow the Weave Lights Throughout the Branches school of tree-decorating thought. Chris, however, is a loyal follower of Wrap the Lights Around the Edges of the Tree So You Can See the Light Cord. My method was the correct one, of course, but anyone who has embarked upon an argument with either Chris or me knows that neither of us is going to back down. Ever. Even if the argument is about Christmas lights. I finished weaving as many lights as I could, but finally my lack of height caught up with me. Chris had to finish the top portion of the tree, so of course he did so with his flawed method. He insists the top portion of the tree is vastly superior to the bottom part. I wholeheartedly disagree. We have this argument every year. Every. Single. Year. Still, it’s quite a lovely tree.

Editor's Note: Mr. Christopher Hofmann has lodged a complaint with this blog post, insisting that his flawed light method has been inaccurately described. He wishes me to point out that his method involves two layers of lights: one inside the tree branches followed by a second layer around the edges.