Lorelei's Take

 

Hi, everyone! This post is written by me, Lorelei! My mommy is too tired to write right now, so I thought I'd help.

Hold please. I need to maul Emma for a second, scream about not getting a purple bowl, and eff with Mommy's head about whether I want Cheerios or Life cereal. Hint: I'm gonna freak out no matter what. (So! Much! Fun!)

Okay, I'm back. So, when my parental units (usually Mommy---and boy, does she let Daddy know it) put me to bed, I'm just not ready to sleep. I'm POSITIVE I'm missing something fun and important, beyond my closed door.

So, I get out of bed. I bring my sippy of water, because it's good to stay hydrated, and my stuffed seahorse, because I'd die without him. Then I look up at my displeased parent with all the coyness I can muster. Because they don't believe in spanking (ha! suckers!!!), Mommy or Daddy have no choice but to carry me back to bed. Over and over again. On a good night, we can do this upwards of 40 times before I decide to end the game.

So, so fun.

Mommy thought she could trick me into staying in bed by raising my shade and letting in light but then lowering it each time I got out of bed. Joke was on her, though, because I like having my shades down.

The Getting Out of Bed Game has gone on for weeks, and it's a hoot. Daddy even took up running during my bedtime, so he can skip the hell I cause. The look on Mommy's face when I emerge from my room is priceless. PRICELESS.

Alas, my mother has proven to be smarter than I expected. Fortunately, I have the deadly combination of Opp + Hofmann stubbornness, so I'm confident in my ability to eventually take my rightful place as head of this household. But in the meantime, that woman has found my single weakness:

Possessiveness.

Damn this developmental stage in which everything must must MUST be MINE! I can't rationalize my way out of it. Everything is mine, it must be! That iPhone on which you're reading this blog post? It's mine. The sky? It's mine. Anything Charlotte has? It's mine.

So, you know what my mommy did? After about 20 hilarious trips back to my bed, SHE TOOK MY STUFFED ELMO.

I freaked out at first. However, I'm an effing genius, so I saw what she was doing. I had to beat Mommy at her own game, or her strategy for bedtime domination might work. The best defense is a good offense, so on the next trip out my room, I brought a stuffed bear I don't care about and handed it to her. Ha! Your plan won't work on me, mommy dearest!

But you know what that woman did? She put my bear back  and said, "Oh, I don't want the bear. I want THIS." AND HOLY SHIT, THAT WOMAN TOOK MY ANNA DOLL.

She had me. "Mine!" I heard myself cry out, piteously. "No, that's MINE!" And she closed the door and left.

I had only one option left. I had to cause her to doubt her parenting strategy and get her to bail on it. I've done this before and am quite skilled at such manipulative maneuvers, but I admit that it helps having a mother who second guesses every parenting decision. I'm telling you, messing with Mommy's mind is even more fun than repeatedly pouring water out of containers or climbing dangerous objects.

So, I came out my room again. Bitch took my Sesame Street phone. WTF? I admit it, I was crying by now. Some might even call it wailing. But I hadn't given up. I emerged from my room once more. And then she took my OTHER Anna doll! Oh my gosh! If I kept this up . . . I'd keep LOSING things that were MINE!

Crap!

Then Mommy told me I'd get my Anna back if I stayed in my room. Yeah, she was in current possession of a pile of my toys, but damn, I wanted that Anna back. So, I whimpered in bed for a while. Finally, I couldn't take it. How DARE Mommy think she could outsmart me? I ask you, who's in charge here? ME! Because I'm TWO! I sat up in bed and moved to the edge of the mattress. I'd show her. But through the baby monitor, I suddenly heard, "Lorelei, lay down. Stay in bed, so you can get Anna back."

What choice did I have? I surrendered. About 5 minutes later (she says, though it felt like 5,000 minutes), Mommy came in with Anna. She covered me with a blanket and rubbed my back, telling me that I did a good job staying in bed. Oh, I saw what she was doing, trying to positively reinforce my good behavior. But dang, it DID feel good to have my efforts acknowledged like that. I do love her, you know.

And so she slipped out, and I decided to let Mommy have this one. After all, tomorrow is another night.


About the Author
Lorelei is two-and-a-half and lives in Maryland with her endlessly patient sister, her somewhat high-strung mother, and her steadfast father. Her interests include Frozen, circle time, and military strategy. This is her first blog post.