Well, in My Opinion . . .

All the baby books say that right about now I'll start thinking about the impending birth--the actual birth--and experience "anxiety" about it. I hate that I'm that predictable. Because yes, I'm beginning to feel a tad anxious. I don't think I'll die, I don't think my baby will be hurt, and I don't think the entire process will take place in the backseat of a taxi. What I am worried about is the lack of control over the situation. I am one of those people who would rather writhe around in misery completely alone in a dark room than have someone near me trying to help. I like to handle things in my own way, in my own time. A hospital is not conducive to such an approach. Unfortunately, I had a bad hospital experience when I was about 14 or 15. I suppose most hospital experiences suck, but I remember the absolute lack of control, the utter powerlessness. Nobody listened to me. NOBODY. For example, I couldn't breathe. Could. Not. Breathe. Apparently that was not a good enough reason to loosen the stretcher straps because it was Against Procedure. Later, a CT scan revealed an unidentified blob over my lungs. Hmmm! (Okay, at some point someone eventually caught on that breathing had become a rather unpleasant affair and had ordered the CT scan that found the blob, but still. You get my point.) When the big event occurs, I want to have at least some control. I would have this baby at home in a heartbeat if I could also have a neonatal intensive care unit in my living room, an operating room in my guest bedroom, and a bucket of pain medicine by my nightstand. I can't, so I'm taking care of this at a hospital. But I don't like it. So when people ask me if I'm worried about the birth, I usually give an explanation along the lines of "I'm mostly concerned about not being in control and instead at the mercy of doctors and nurses." Sometimes I change it up a bit: "Yeah, I'm fairly nervous. I don't want something to go wrong" or "It's nerve-wracking not knowing exactly what to expect." Anything rosier than that and I'd just plain be lying. No matter what trite answer I rattle off, it inevitably opens up the floodgates of opinions from other people concerning not only how I actually do the birth, but also how I think about it. This really rubs me the wrong way, especially when opinions come from people who have neither been pregnant nor had a baby. One person even compared my nerves about childbirth with those she experienced prior to--I kid you not--getting her ears pierced. I floated the idea of hiring a doula, mainly as a way of ensuring an extra advocate at the hospital in the event my dear husband is a wee bit sidetracked by e-mail or agrees too quickly with the opinions of the medical establishment and their views on Procedure. I was told point-blank by the one person to whom I told this bright idea that hiring someone to essentially listen to me was "the height of yuppie medical care and just plain ridiculous." A little recap: To all y'all who may have forgotten, I live 3,000 miles away from my mom and my most trusted girls, not 10 minutes. I don't have someone to go all Shirley McClaine in Terms of Endearment on some nurse's ass if things get ugly. I have Chris. And while Chris is good at a lot of things, he's far too rational, clear-thinking, and even-tempered to get nice and fired up if I need him to. And let's not forget, the Superbowl could be on that day. Depending on who’s playing, Chris could miss the birth altogether if Charlotte’s grand entrance coincides with a winning touchdown by the Patriots. So will I hire a doula? Oh, I'm sure I won't. But it would be nice to be able to voice the possibility of it without being attacked. Besides, as I understand it, the poor nurse assigned to you essentially becomes your very best, most-trusted-ever BFF. IF she’s nice. But for those of you out there who are certain that this birth will go exactly the same way that yours did in 1979, your friend's did two years ago, or your earpiercing did last week, I beg you to just let me approach the whole idea of the birth in my own neurotic way.